


this is the last time i'm asking you this (put my name at the top of your list)

by Dinosaur1212



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: 5+1 Things, F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, also an allusion to bly manor, also becca is alive, also i based the wedding setting off my sister's wedding venue, also idk how high school parties work, also im advocating for vodka lemonade, also im really hoping there are two colleges in minnesota that are near each other, also rachel in a suit!!!, also swearing, bend it like beckham reference if you think about it, dave goodkind is still a shithead, dont mind me doing that, i had to feature leatin, i have so much schoolwork to do because i wrote this instead of doing schoolwork, i really need to not tag so much, i tried to incorporate some phrases from the show, i've never been to one, im not sorry about it, leah in a suit!!!!, leatin wedding, martha in a suit!!!, right person right time, right person wrong time, the other four wear dresses, there is some alcohol, this ended up way longer than i intended, toni and leah are besties i dont make the rules, toni in a suit!!!, try not to look into that one too much ig?, yes i found a way to work bend it like beckham in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29301510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dinosaur1212/pseuds/Dinosaur1212
Summary: It’s the beginning of sophomore year when Toni meets Shelby Goodkind for the first time.ora 5+1 of the 5 times it was the right person wrong time, and the one time it was the right person right time
Relationships: Becca Gilroy/Shelby Goodkind (briefly), Fatin Jadmani & Leah Rilke, Regan/Toni Shalifoe (briefly), Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 14
Kudos: 202





	this is the last time i'm asking you this (put my name at the top of your list)

**Author's Note:**

> omg hello everyone! this is my first ever 5+1 so i hope you guys enjoy! this idea popped into my head and wouldnt leave i wrote it so now here it is in it's 8.2k word glory

——————one——————

It’s the beginning of sophomore year when Toni meets Shelby Goodkind for the first time. 

Shelby is new to Hopewell Lake High School, recently making the move from Texas to Minnesota after her father was requested to lead a local church. 

That fact alone is why Toni finds herself hating the blonde with an annoying southern accent. It doesn’t help that they share most of their classes, and it just so happens that they were made lab partners for their chemistry class. 

Toni tries her best not to torment Shelby at first, because Toni is all too familiar with the idea of suddenly being in a new environment; she had gone through thirteen placements in the last seven years. 

The façade quickly falls away on a random Tuesday in November. 

The day starts out well enough; Toni’s morning classes go well and she’s still living off the high of getting a perfect score on her Algebra II test. Math is the only thing that makes sense to her because of how matter of fact it is with minor special cases. She thinks she might pursue a math degree if she manages to get a basketball scholarship for college. 

She’s walking to lunch, thinking through all the homework she has to get done after practice when someone runs into her. 

When whoever it was starts talking, she instantly recognizes the voice as that of Andrew, Shelby’s current boyfriend. 

“Watch where you’re going asshole.”

Toni has a remark ready to go, but then he throws a slur her way, and she just lunges at him, her books thrown on the floor while students stop walking and gather around them. 

Toni manages to land a punch, but then someone’s trying to pull her off of Andrew which momentarily distracts her. It distracts her long enough that Andrew manages to recover, and then Toni is on the receiving end of several blows. 

Each blow sends agony through Toni and she knows she’ll have several bruises to show for it, but then whoever it was that was pulling her off of Andrew succeeds and she’s standing, and all she can make out is blonde hair in front of her hazy vision. She recognizes the voice that comes out of the person though, and of course it’s Shelby. 

“Andrew that’s enough. What are your parents going to say when they hear you were fightin’?” 

The question must go unanswered because Shelby speaks again moments later, “Plus you know she’s not worth it. Let’s just go to lunch”

The words sting, but Toni doesn’t say anything; she’s too thrown off by the searing pain in her head that she’s certain means she has a concussion, but there’s something else. It’s the way Shelby seems to be closer to her than to Andrew and all Toni can smell is her floral perfume. Shelby also has one hand behind her back—the other presumably holding Andrew back—and it’s lightly wrapped around Toni’s wrist. It’s all too much for Toni’s foggy mind, but then she hears someone pushing through the throng of students. 

“Toni!” the voice—Martha’s voice—rings out and Toni flinches at the volume as she turns to Martha who speaks more softly this time, “Are you okay?”

Toni feels Shelby’s hand release her wrist and she glances back around to see her retreating with Andrew, but then her attention is back on Martha as she responds, “I’d say yes, but I think that asshole gave me a fucking concussion.”

“Shit Toni,” Martha says while she bends over to grab Toni’s books, before standing back up and continuing, “We better get you to the nurse then.”

Toni just nods and lets herself be led away to the nurse’s office. 

——

As it turns out, Toni does have a concussion, but that doesn’t stop her current foster parents from telling her she’s still going to school tomorrow, no matter what the doctor said, and Toni knows better than to argue. Plus, all she wants to do is be left alone in her room, and she is once she agrees to go to school. 

And that leaves her alone with her thoughts in the darkness of her room. She avoids her phone, heeding the words of the doctor, but she did manage to get her homework done which she wasn’t supposed to do. However, that was only to escape her thoughts that only made her headache worse. 

Thoughts about what Shelby had said regarding her, but then confused by the gentle hand that had been wrapped around her wrist. The two actions conflicted with one another and Toni didn’t know what to make of it. She thought she had Shelby all figured out as the bible-thumping pageant queen, but she knows now that she was wrong. There’s something that she just hasn’t been able to figure out yet. 

Those thoughts only grow more confused as she tries to sort through her feelings on the matter, because one of the final things that crosses her mind as she falls asleep is that she might just have a crush on Shelby.

——

Toni struggles to make it through school the next day. Matters only grow worse when Shelby passes her a note in chemistry. 

Unfolding the note, Toni reads what is written in Shelby’s familiar scrawl. 

“ _ I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. I hope you’re okay.” _

Toni scribbles back a response of “ _ Then why did you say it?” _ and passes the note back to Shelby who quickly writes a response of her own. 

_ “It’s complicated. Knew it would get Andrew to back down. Whole devout Christian thing. I didn’t mean it though.” _

Toni looks up from the note at Shelby, confused by the whole thing, but recognizes that Shelby must not cling to her faith as much as she projects out onto the world. She writes back a quick response. 

_ “I believe you” _

And she does believe Shelby, although she has no clue if it's the right call to do so. It’s an unusual sense of trust that she isn’t sure how it will turn out. 

——————two——————

It’s March, junior year, and Toni couldn’t be happier than she is at the current moment. 

She’s in a happy relationship with an amazing girl. The girl’s basketball team just won states, and a scout reached out to her with a full ride scholarship. And to top it off, there’s currently a party at the house of one of the girls from the basketball team to celebrate. 

It’s perfect. Celebrating the win with her teammates is a dream come true, and the whole team is living off the high of the win. The party, however, has somehow managed to become a schoolwide party so it’s a mashup of people milling about the house. 

Toni’s currently sitting on a chair talking with some of her teammates with Regan sitting on the arm of the chair, their hands loosely intertwined. 

“So how much trouble do you think Hayley is going to get in trouble for this?” Dot questions, gesturing around at everyone around them. 

“So much fucking trouble,” Leah answers, laughing before she adds, “I’m pretty sure I saw her trying to put coasters under everyone’s drinks a while back.”

Toni laughs at the remark, but knows it’s exactly something Hayley would do, “Of course she would. I can't believe she even offered to host in the first place.”

“That’s cause you all nagged her about it when you learned her parents weren’t home,” Regan says and when Toni gently pushes her, she adds, “Hey, I’m just repeating what you told me.”

“Whatever,” Toni replies, rolling her eyes before letting her gaze drift out at everyone at the party. Her focus lands on the group playing beer pong, and she watches as the one team takes their turn before she looks back at everyone she’s with, “If you all don’t mind, I have to take a piss and get a refill.”

“Eloquent as always, Shalifoe,” Leah notes, and the group breaks out laughing when Toni stands and flips them all off. 

As she walks away, she can feel another set of eyes on her, but not from her friends. This state comes from a certain blonde that is so hot and cold when it comes to talking to Toni, that Toni has no idea where she stands. 

She doesn’t acknowledge Shelby, however, and continues making her way upstairs to where she thinks the bathroom is. Toni is almost certain Hayley had said first door on the right, but when Toni opens it, she barges in on a couple currently making out, to which she quickly retreats. 

There’s footsteps on the stairs behind her, but she ignores them and opens the second door on the right, and stumbles into an unoccupied bedroom. She sways ever so slightly and it’s just hitting her how much she had to drink, and she regrets agreeing to do shots with Leah. 

She tries to backtrack out of the room, but then there’s someone pushing her further into the room and Toni can hear the door close and lock behind whoever the other person was. 

Turning, Toni recognizes the last person she wanted to interact with, and all she can get out is, “The fuck,” before Shelby is interrupting her. 

“Toni, I really need to talk to you,” Shelby rushes out, and then rambles on, “I know we barely talk to each other lately but I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Then…” Toni begins slowly before continuing in a somewhat questioning voice, “say what it is you need to say?”

Shelby shakes her head and let’s put an uneasy laugh, “Right, of course. I just wanted to congratulate you…..on the game and your scholarship.”

Toni’s thoughts are muddled, partly from the alcohol, but she knows she hasn’t told anyone besides Martha and her coach about the scholarship, so she asks, “You know about the scholarship?”

Shelby looks taken aback by the question, but nonetheless nods and backs away towards the door, “Well congratulations again.”

“Wait,” Toni directs, her voice shaky, but more firm as she continues, “You singled me out at a party and locked me in a room with you, just so you could congratulate me on my game and something only two other people know about?”

“Martha told me on accident,” Shelby admits, but dodges answering Toni’s question. 

Toni can tell that Shelby seems uncertain of herself, but the alcohol in her is making her braver to push Shelby, “What else do you want to tell me?”

“Why are you so certain I have something else to say?” Shelby retorts. 

“Because,” Toni begins, her finger pointed at Shelby, “You haven’t spoken to me in a month. In fact you’ve ignored me any time I’ve tried to talk to you, even when we were in a group project together. So sorry if I thought there was more to this.” She pauses and then more words are tumbling out of her mouth, “Plus I can feel you staring at me all the fucking time and it drives me insane. It’s like you want to talk to me but you can’t. And I know it’s not because of who I am. I see past the mask you show to everyone, but I don’t know what lies beneath it.”

Toni takes a shaky breath as she feels her anger rising, but she’s not done yet, “I know you don’t hate me, but it sure as fuck feels like you do sometimes. I believed you last year when you said you didn’t mean what you said, but sometimes I can’t help but think that it was true. That I’m not worth it; that I don’t fucking matter, because you only seem to ever talk to me when it’s convenient! You send so many mixed signals, yet you never do that with Martha, cause trust me I hear all about it. So what the fuck is it Shelby?”

Shelby, for what it’s worth, had stood there and taken Toni’s verbal attack without interrupting. But now the question hangs in the air, and the silence feels charged; like something drastic is about to happen. 

It happens in practically slow motion, or maybe that’s just how it feels to Toni’s inebriated self. 

Nevertheless, Shelby rushes forward and grabs Toni’s face and kisses her. 

Toni knows it’s wrong, especially since Regan is right downstairs, but her crush on Shelby never did go away so she kisses Shelby back, her one hand wrapping around Shelby’s waist while the other one climbs up Shelby’s back. 

It’s a messy kiss. A kiss that can only happen when both parties have their inhibitions lowered, because then Shelby is pulling away and looks like a deer caught in the headlights. 

Toni can’t even process what has happened until Shelby has run out of the room, and then it hits Toni; Shelby just fucking kissed her and she wanted more. There was a desire that was stronger than anything she had ever felt for Regan and she hates that she doesn’t care. 

She stands there dumbfounded for a few seconds longer, and then retreats back downstairs, having never gone to the bathroom.

——

A few weeks later, her relationship with Regan falls apart; Toni doesn’t give a reason for it because she can’t even find the right words to tell Regan.

——————three——————

High school graduation. It’s a time of breaking free from the restraints of high school and moving on into the world. 

However, making it through the graduation ceremony is a testament to everyone’s patience, but they survive. Toni walks out of the gym, arm wrapped around Martha, while they look for their friends in the crowd. They have their diplomas and a carefree attitude that nothing can go wrong. Martha’s family travels not far behind Toni and Martha. 

Toni hears Dot before she sees her, but then Dot is entering into her line of sight. 

“There you two are!” Dot yells at them over the crowd while she makes her way towards them, dragging Leah along behind her, “Never thought we’d see you two again.”

Leah shakes her head beside Dot, “Maybe for you, but I have the wonderful experience of rooming with Toni for college since she just had to go to college where I’m going.”

“Hey now,” Toni jokingly warns, “It’s better than rooming with a complete stranger.” She removes her arm from around Martha, and then they’re all standing in a small circle while people move around them. 

“So we’re finally free,” Martha says to change the topic, “And now most of us are going our separate ways.”

“Marty you act like we’re never going to talk to each other again,” Toni remarks and gently bumps into Martha with her shoulder, “But we still have all summer to get into mischief.”

“True,” Dot agrees before she adds, “And if anything, our circle might grow during college. We’re all close to each other for college so we’re going to have to introduce each other to our college friends.” 

“Or for some, we can just look up your roommate’s social media and find out all about her,” Leah jokes, “She posts all about her life.”

“Leave it to Dot to get stuck with social media influencer, Fatin Jadmani,” Toni says, pulling her phone from her pocket and pulling up the girl’s Instagram before showing her friends, “Looks like she’s graduating tonight too.”

“With what looks like her only two other friends,” Martha says, studying the photo before saying, “From the caption it looks like they’re twins.”

Toni shifts on her feet and pulls her phone back and places it back into her pocket under her graduation gown. As much as she wants to talk and hangout with her friends—which she will be doing all night—there’s one person she wants to say something to, if only to get some form of closure from the whirlwind of emotions they’ve put her through. 

Luck must’ve been on Toni’s side because Leah suddenly looks over her shoulder and says, “Hey Toni, I think someone wants to talk to you.”

Turning, Toni sees blonde hair and a gold colored graduation gown, recognizing the person as Shelby who has barely spoken to her since that night at the party over a year ago. There had been moments Toni had thought about cornering Shelby to talk about it, but she never did, a part of well aware that Shelby had some serious problems to work through. 

“Toni,” Shelby nervously begins, her hands fidgeting mindlessly, “Can we talk for a second?”

Toni feels her friends staring at her and she knows she has to say yes even though she was already going to, but now there’s no getting out of it. Her friends don’t know what happened that night at the party, she never told them, but Martha had figured it out based upon Toni’s behavior and Shelby’s incessant questions about Toni afterwards. Toni had made sure to swear her to secrecy, and Martha had stayed true to that promise. 

Opening her mouth to respond, nothing comes out, so Toni opts for a nod, then her and Shelby are walking away from the crowd, towards a somewhat secluded spot where Shelby can say whatever it is she needs to say. 

Shelby doesn’t say anything at first, and Toni almost thinks she isn’t going to, but then she starts apologizing, “I’m sorry Toni. I’m sorry for what happened last year, because it was wrong because you were with Regan and I completely destroyed that for you. I can’t help but feel like I destroyed something good for you.”

Toni places a hand on Shelby’s arm to stop the blonde from continuing, but pulls it back when Shelby involuntarily flinches, “Shelby, it’s okay. Regan and I weren’t going to work out anyways. We had different plans for life.” It’s a lie and Toni knows she could’ve been happy with Regan, but she’s not sorry about how everything played out. If anything it helped her grow as a person, and now she has a handle on what her social worker referred to as ‘behavioral problems.’

Shelby shakes her head, “What I did wasn’t okay though. You were dating someone and I ki-”

Whatever it was that Hselby was going to say died in her throat as a man— that Toni assumes is Shelby’s father—approaches them, “Shelbs, there you are! We were wonderin’ where you had gotten off to.” 

He looks Toni up and down, and Toni can’t help the anger that forms in her stomach at the action because she can tell it’s disapproving, but then he’s speaking again. 

“Us and Andrew’s parents wanted pictures of you two.”

Shelby stiffens beside Toni before she responds, “I told you me and Andrew broke up.”

This is news to Toni because as far as she knew they were still together, but she can’t say she’s saddened by the news; Andrew’s a dick and Shelby is way too good for him.”

“You’re just being silly sweetie.” Mr Goodkind says, grabbing Shelby’s arm, “He’s a good boy and he loves you. It’d be wrong to throw that away.”

Toni wants to say in Shelby’s defense but she has a feeling it’ll just make things worse for Shelby so she stays quiet. 

“Right, of course,” Shelby concedes before holding her hand out to Toni, “It was a pleasure getting to spend high school with you Toni Shalifoe.”

“You too,” Toni responds, taking Shelby’s hand and shaking it, confused as to what’s happening when she feels Shelby somehow slip a piece of paper in her hand. She releases Shelby’s hand and squeezes her hand shut so as to not drop the paper, and then Shelby and her dad are walking away. 

Once they’re far enough away, Toni opens her hand and unfolds the paper to see a phone number written on it. Toni sighs and shoves it into her pocket, uncertain as to what she should do with it. 

——————four——————

College, so far, for Toni had been a freeing experience. Between basketball and shenanigans with her friends, Toni is as happy as she can ever remember being during junior year. 

It’s a Saturday towards the end of April when her friends talk her into going to a party. She had planned on staying in her off campus apartment she shares with Leah all night studying for her advanced calculus final, but she lets herself get roped into going to a club. 

It’s the entirety of their friend group that has formed throughout college, mostly because of freshmen year roommates, but it’s a solid group. Dot had actually hit it off really well with her freshman year roommate Fatin, and then Fatin had introduced them to her two friends Nora and Rachel, the twins from her graduation photos. The most surprising thing to come out of the friend group was the relationship that bloomed between Leah and Fatin. 

Toni hadn’t been expecting the two to date, but then one night during sophomore year, Leah blurted out in the middle of the night that she really liked Fatin and the rest was history from then on. 

Which brings Toni back to the evening on hand, the party Leah and Fatin had convinced her to attend over studying for advanced calculus. She’s getting ready with Leah when Leah brings something up. 

“Hey Toni, there’s something you might want to know about tonight,” Leah begins, her voice hesitant. 

Toni just responds, “What’s that?” She’s curious as to what it could be, especially if it makes Leah hesitant to bring it up. 

“I was sworn to secrecy on this matter because no one wanted to upset you, but I know not telling you would’ve been worse,” Leah says to precede the news she proceeds to deliver, “I don’t think you know this because you have never brought it up, but Shelby goes here, and I ran into her the other day while Fatin was with me, and Fatin invited her along tonight.”

“She what?” Toni asks, even though she knows the answer. She hasn't spoken to Shelby since graduation night, and she knows it’s entirely her doing this time. She still has the paper with Shelby’s number on it, though, always telling herself she’ll get around to texting Shelby. 

“She invited Shelby,” Leah repeats, adding, “And I couldn’t just flat out tell Fatin why it was a bad idea while Shelby was right in front of us.”

“Then why insist on me going out tonight if she’s going to be there?” Toni inquires, slightly perplexed by the whole matter while she finishes picking out her outfit. 

Leah silent for a moment, but then she admits, “Because you haven’t gone out with us in forever because of basketball. I just thought it would be something fun yanno? Minus Shelby of course.”

Toni knows Leah is right, is well aware that basketball made it hard to hang out with her friends, so she can’t fault Leah for wanting her to go out tonight. She has one final question though, which she asks, “Is there anything else I should know about for tonight?”

Leah shakes her head, “Not at all. Shelby was the only thing I had to tell you about.”

——

As it would turn out, as Toni and Leah walk into the club, there is more for Toni to know, and it feels like a sucker punch to the stomach when introductions are made, because Shelby brought someone along with her. 

Everyone is already seated around a table, Toni and Leah the last to arrive as per usual, and Fatin is the first to greet them. 

“There you two are!” Fatin yells over the music, standing up and kissing Leah on the cheek before she adds, “I was beginning to think you decided to ditch us.”

“Talk to your girlfriend about that one,” Toni replies, gesturing at Leah, “She just couldn’t find the right outfit. Eventually I just said she was on her own if she didn’t fucking hurry up.” She tries to look everywhere but at Shelby, but she finds her attention drawn there the entire time, and how the girl with her is practically sitting on her lap. 

“Not true,” Leah states, pointing at Toni, “This one here couldn’t figure out what shoes best matched her outfit. She had the whole array of Vans out.”

“I told you you shouldn’t have let her start getting more than just black ones,” Rachel remarks from her seat. 

“I agree,” Martha echoes from her chair beside Rachel, “Toni’s indecisive and that’s why just black Vans were her style forever.”

Toni laughs at how everyone is suddenly picking on her and moves so she can slide into the chair beside Martha, “That and moving from place to place didn’t allow for me to have a lot of shoes.” She changes the topic away from her in order to greet Shelby, “Hey Shelby, it’s been a while.”

Shelby stares at her, an unreadable expression on her face as she responds, “Yeah it has been, but it’s good to see y’all again.”

“Technically some of us have never met you before,” Nora notes, which earns a few laughs from some of the others. 

“The good news is, you aren’t half bad,” Rachel says, building off her sister’s statement, “I mean you both seem cool.”

“Speaking of,” Leah begins from her spot in between Fatin and Dot, “Who is this mystery person?”

“Maybe if you had been here earlier babe, you would know,” Fatin jokes, effectively earning a remark from Dot. 

“You should know your girlfriend well enough by now to know she’s always late.”

Fatin just playfully swats Dot on the shoulder, “You’re just mad I didn’t fall in love with you.”

“Oh my god not this again,” Rachel groans, “Just let Shelby answer the fucking question.”

Everyone but Shelby and the mystery girl laugh, as all of them are all too familiar with Fatin always being overly flirty, even though they’re all aware that she only has eyes for Leah. 

Shelby doesn’t look at Toni when she finally answers as to who the girl is, “Well this is Becca, and she’s my, uh, girlfriend.”

Toni clenches her jaw, and internally kicks herself for being upset by the news. It’s not like she had allowed herself to talk to Shelby over the last three years, so she really doesn’t have a right to be mad over who Shelby’s dating. The thing is, it’s not the anger she felt towards Andrew in high school, instead this feeling is more that of pure jealousy and she can’t believe her dumb high school crush on Shelby is as strong as ever. Granted, she still hasn’t been in a serious relationship since Regan, but she never allowed herself to think about the reason why, instead throwing herself into random hookups with girls who would do anything to try and be with the star of the women’s basketball team. 

Martha nudges her leg against Toni’s leg, pulling her out of whatever train of thought she was going towards. She offers a halfhearted greeting, “It's nice to meet you Becca.”

“You too,” the curly haired girl responds before the conversation shifts somewhere else entirely. 

——

It’s towards the end of the night, and Toni has managed to effectively get plastered. It hadn’t been her intention at first, but it was a way to try and numb the jealousy burning in her veins. It hadn’t worked though, so now Toni is sitting at the table lost in her own head while everyone else is out on the dancefloor. A few girls had tried to approach her, but each time she made it known she wasn’t interested. 

In fact, she’s ready to send another person away that had just sat beside her when the person speaks first. 

“You never texted.”

The words hang in the air and then it clicks in Toni’s head that Shelby is the one beside her. She sobers slightly at the realization but not enough to stop what comes out of her mouth, “It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Shelby questions, her head resting on her hand and turned so she can look at Toni. 

Toni doesn’t look in Shelby’s direction though. It’s the one thing she wants to do the most, but she won’t let herself, so she answers, “It means that I would’ve fucked up.” She isn’t sure what she means, but her mind is too clouded by alcohol and Shelby’s close presence to dwell on it. 

Shelby sighs, “Toni, why aren’t you out on the dance floor with everyone else? I’ve seen plenty of people approach you.”

“Because I don’t want to dance with them,” Toni admits, “I’m much happier here where I can just be alone.”

What she says must do the trick, because Shelby doesn’t reply. Instead, the blonde gets up and walks away back to where everyone else is. 

It’s seconds later when another person slots into the chair next to Toni, and this time she looks over to see Rachel. 

“Look, I know we’re aren’t the closest in the group,” Rachel admits, staying silent until Toni looks at her before she continues, “Which means I don’t know what your deal is with that chick, but at least try to have a good time. Hell, your team made it further in the basketball playoffs than they have in years, so let’s celebrate that.” 

Toni glances out to where the rest of her friends are before looking back at Rachel, “I know you’re right, but I don’t fucking know what my problem is. Guess I just have some regrets about things.” It’s the closest she can get to the truth without spilling her feelings to Rachel in the middle of the club. 

Rachel bumps Toni’s shoulder with her own before standing up and grabbing Toni’s hand and pulling her towards the dance floor , “Then let’s not leave you with regrets about tonight.” 

And Toni lets herself be dragged out onto the dance floor with all of her friends. 

——————five——————

It’s winter break. Toni’s final winter break of college, and she’s at the apartment she still shares with Leah. Leah isn’t there, though, having gone home for the break to Fatin’s house for a few days before heading to her own home. 

She glances at the clock on the wall and figures that by this point Leah and Fatin are out at dinner at some high-end restaurant, and if everything is going according to Fatin’s well thought out plan she swore Toni to secrecy about, Fatin should be proposing to Leah any minute now. 

She’s about to open Netflix to continue watching some ghost show Leah had insisted she watch, when there’s a knock on the door. Toni jumps at the noise, unsure of who it could be since you need a fob to even get into the apartment building. 

There’s a split second where she debates grabbing something to defend herself if it’s an intruder, but she abandons that idea when whoever it is announces themself from the other side of the door.

“Toni, it’s Shelby. One of your neighbors let me into the building since she recognized me from that time you and Leah had everyone over. They said I shouldn’t be standing out in the snow, but truth is,” Shelby’s voice falters before regaining its composure, “I wasn’t even sure I wanted to come in.”

Toni’s at the door now, and opens it to see Shelby standing there, makeup streaked and running down her face. It’s clear to Toni that Shelby was crying not long before she showed up here. She just steps aside and ushers Shelby inside, “Sounds like you ran into Dansby. Always looking out for others.” After Shelby steps into the apartment, Toni closes the door and turns to Shelby, “Is everything okay? Cause no offense you look like shit.”

A strangled laugh escapes Shelby, but she looks like she’ll start crying any second, so Toni walks away to get Shelby a drink while telling Shelby, “Sit down, make yourself comfortable. I’m just gonna get us some drinks.” 

Toni’s pulling the vodka bottle out of the cabinet when Shelby finally breaks the silence. 

“Where’s Leah?”

“She went home with Fatin. I just don’t have anywhere to go so I stay here,” Toni responds, even though Martha had invited her to the Blackburn’s house for Winter break. She would still go Christmas Day—she always did—but the plan was to spend the rest of the time by herself. However, that had obviously changed since Shelby’s now sitting on the sofa. Grabbing two glasses out of another counter, Toni pours in some of the vodka before mixing lemonade in with it.” 

Putting everything back away, Toni grabs the two glasses and moves to sit on the other end of the sofa, extending one glass out to Shelby, “Here you are. Your usual drink.”

Shelby takes the glass, whispering out a statement that sounds more like a question, “You know my usual drink?”

Whether it was meant as a question or not, Toni answers it like it was, “As per the resident mixologist when we have parties here with the group, I’ve involuntarily learned what one is everyone’s vice.” Taking a swig of the drink she studies Shelby while she swallows, then asks, “So what brings you here on a Friday night at seven thirty? It definitely wasn’t for a drink even if I make the best vodka lemonade around.”

Things had changed since they had reconnected last year. Toni found a way to be Shelby’s friend even if her feelings still lurked under the surface. It was easier to have Shelby in her life than not in it she had realized, albeit Leah and Martha had to convince her on that one. Toni never let herself hang out with Shelby if Becca wasn’t around though, because she didn’t want something to happen like it had during high school, so this current meeting is the first time she’s been truly alone with Shelby since the night Shelby kissed her. 

“Becca broke up with me,” Shelby finally says, her voice resigned and she downs a large portion of her drink. She looks at Toni then, and continues, “She didn’t even really give a reason. Just the usual bullshit that it had nothing to do with me and was all her. Your apartment was the closest place to where I was.”

Toni isn’t the best at knowing what to say during serious matters so she cracks a joke, What you’re telling me is that it wasn’t my sparkling personality and free alcohol that brought you here?” She smiles when Shelby laughs at the remark, but then she turns serious as she says, “Look, I don’t know what happened and neither do you. All I can tell you is that Becca is missing out. You’re an incredible person Shelby and it sucks she couldn’t see that.”

Shelby frowns, and Toni knows she must’ve said something wrong, and this suspicion is confirmed when Shelby speaks, “Yeah so incredible that I got kicked out of my house as soon as my dad found out I was dating Becca.”

“Hey now,” Toni begins, uncertain of what to say, so she just says what she’s always thought, “That isn’t on you. Your father is a bigoted asshole but you didn’t let him turn you into one. You lived an authentic life as soon as you were able to, and you looked way happier than you ever did in high school.”

“But at what cost?” Shelby questions, not giving Toni a chance to reply as she continues, “He always said I'd be alone if I chose this lifestyle, and look where I’m at. I have no family and now I don’t even have the person I lost my family for.”

Toni senses this is years of built up fear and worry that is coming to the surface all at once, and she tries her best to diffuse the situation, “Shelby look at me.” And when Shelby looks at her Toni continues, “You aren’t alone. I’m right here. Everyone else in our friend group is here for you too. Blood isn’t what makes family, and you didn’t choose this lifestyle; it’s always been a part of who you are. You have a family Shelby, and it’s everyone that’s here for you now. We all care about you even if right now you don’t think we do.” Toni pauses to take a breath, but she finishes off her speech with, “Fuck Shelby, you aren’t alone.”

That’s when Shelby starts crying. A wave of tears that just keeps flowing. Toni sets her drink down on the coffee table and moves towards Shelby who collapses into her. Doing her best to console the crying blonde, all Stoni can think about is how while Shelby’s relationship with Becca is ending, Leah and Fatin’s is just getting more serious. 

———————six———————

It’s over a year and a half later in August when Toni sees Shelby for the first time since graduating college. It’s Fatin and Leah’s wedding, and Toni hadn’t been able to show up until the day of the ceremony due to a problem at work, which means she missed all of the setting up and rehearsal for the ceremony. 

Fortunately for her, she arrives early Saturday morning to the grounds of the wedding and slips away into the building where Leah is. In there, along with Leah, is Martha and Rachel. Everyone else from the group is in the other building with Fatin. 

“There you are!” Leah exclaims when she sees Toni, “Thought I was going to have to send Rachel out as my maid of honor.”

“Which I’m glad you didn’t. I’m happy just to be a bridesmaid,” Rachel admits while she takes her suit out of its protective outercover. 

“I can’t help it my boss is a total asshole and decided to inform me of a giant issue on Thursday that needed fixed by end of day Friday,” Toni says, trying to clear her head of any and everything that is related to Gretchen Klein. 

“Always full of excuses aren’t you?” Martha questions, laughing when Toni flips her off. 

“Good news is, Fatin sent me a complete list of every duty I have today,” Toni replies, going on to add, “Even broke it down into a minute by minute schedule. And as of right now,” Toni looks down at her watch, “I should be dressed by now.”

Everyone chuckles at that, all too aware of how much Fatin had tried to make sure this wedding was as perfect as can be, especially with Leah having been wrapped up in a book tour the last year.

“Well let’s hurry up then,” Leah ushers, buttoning up her shirt, “I made it clear to everyone else that suits were infinitely easier than dresses, so let’s prove them right.”

With that, everyone hurried to get their suits on and add the finishing touches to their hair and makeup. 

——

It’s an outdoor wedding, the setting an old barn that has been refurbished to host weddings, and the wedding is taking place on the grass below the barn. There’s a faint breeze that Toni is thankful for as she sweats in her suit. 

The ceremony goes off without a hitch. Toni only momentarily messes up when she first sees Shelby, who she’s processing in with, and while they walk towards the altar Toni mutters a quick, “You look stunning.” She doesn’t miss the way Shelby blushes at the comment, but then they’re separating, each going to their own side of the altar. 

——

It’s later that night after everyone has eaten and dancing has begun that Toni and Dot approach the deejay, who hands Dot the microphone. 

Dot says her speech for Fatin, and Toni can feel herself tear up at it, but then she’s laughing when Dot includes a joke about how Fatin insisted she was a lesbian the first time they met. 

Then it’s Toni’s turn. She has the microphone in hand and looks out at everyone around them, although her eyes land on Shelby as her grounding point. Clearing her throat, she begins, “I don’t even know where to begin. I had a whole speech written but it sucked so bad, so here I am winging it.” She takes a deep breath and starts the impromptu speech she had been making in her head all night, “Leah, I didn’t know what to think of you the first time we met. You were fucking dreadful at basketball, I know that, but you had determination to prove that you could be amazing and you were. You’re always surprising me in every positive way possible. Sure you have your problems, the main one being that you don’t know how to make pasta without almost burning a place down.”

“That was one time!” Leah exclaims, interrupting Toni, and earning a crowd-wide chuckle. 

Toni continues on with her speech, “Either way, you’re still dreadful at it. But I don’t know another person who could write such a complex novel as you. How you balance so many different elements in your story but it still makes perfect sense. I’ve seen you at your worst, but I’ve seen you at your best. I’ve seen how you’ve fallen in love with Fatin, even if it was obnoxious at times. And yes I need erring directly to the time you woke me up at three am to tell me that Fatin said she loved you for the first time. But even with all that, I don’t know a better person who deserves to be getting married today. You fill the world with a wonderful energy, enriching the lives of everyone around you. And for that, I am forever grateful for you Leah. Congrats to you and Fatin.” She raises the cup of soda in her hand in the direction of the newly married couple and hands the microphone back to the deejay. 

“That was fucking amazing,” Dot says to Toni as they make their way back to the table they were all sitting at. 

“I always did better on impulse,” Toni admits as they approach the table, setting her cup down on the table, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pee now.”

——

It’s about an hour later that two people approach Toni while she’s sitting at the table watching everyone dance, but mostly Shelby. She isn’t in a bad mood, but is simply reflecting on everything and how far everyone has come since they’ve all been friends. 

“You should go talk to her,” the one woman says, her accent distinctly British. 

“I agree,” the other woman—also British—says, “She keeps looking at you.”

“And you two are?” Toni questions, wondering how long they had been watching her and Shelby. 

The one who spoke first is the one to answer, “I’m Jess and this is my wife Jules. We’re friends with Fatin from back when we were all in high school, although only friends online until we came to the States for college.”

Toni nods, faintly recalling Fatin mentioning she had friends from out of the country who played soccer, “I take it you two are the soccer stars.”

“It’s dreadful that you call it soccer,” Jules remarks, but then she’s changing the topic, “Go talk to her. Neither one of us can handle the tension that could cut through steel anymore.” 

“You didn’t have to be so blunt,” Jess admonishes but says to Toni, “She has a point though. You two are obviously into each other.”

“You think so?” Toni inquires even though a part of her knows the answer and has known it since high school. 

Both Jess and Jules nod enthusiastically, so Toni downs the last of her drink, stands up, and makes her way towards Shelby. The blonde doesn’t see her coming; she’s turned talking to Nora and Martha about something, but Shelby turns when Martha nods her head in Toni’s direction.

Toni, by this point, is close enough to the trio that she can speak and be heard over the music, “Hey guys, could I steal Shelby for a second?”

“I mean that’s not up to us,” Nora tells Toni, but doesn’t continue with whatever else she was going to say as Martha elbows Nora in the side.

“Of course you can Toni,” Martha says, pushing Shelby forward towards Toni, “Take all the time you need.”

“Guess I’m spoken for,” Shelby states, and steps closer to Toni, “Where are we headed?”

Toni nervously wrings her hands, but admits, “I was thinking we dance. The deejay is about to play a slow song, so we could talk during it.” She’s not certain about the statement, but she had noticed that the deejay was playing a slow song on the top of every hour, and it was almost nine.

“That works for me,” Shelby replies, her expression unreadable as her and Toni walk off to a part of the dance floor where not as many people are. 

When they’re away from Martha and Nora, Shelby asks, “Who were those two girls talking to you?”

Toni shrugs, “Friends of Fatin who think they know it all. Still trying to figure out if they’re right.”

Shelby wraps her arms around Toni’s shoulders, resting them behind her neck as the music starts to slow down, “Right about what?”

Placing her hands on Shelby’s waist Toni answers, “Can’t say just yet. It’s classified info.”

“How about we trade classified info?” Shelby suggests, “A secret for a secret.”

“And what kind of secret would that be?” Toni inquires, curious as to what it is Shelby would tell her.

“Oh no,” Shelby scolds, pulling Toni closer to her, “You first.”

“But it was your idea,” Toni tries, but concedes when Shelby just raises her eyebrows at Toni, “Okay, fine. They told me I should come talk to you. Something about you being into me.” She looks away from Shelby at her admission, and asks, “What’s your classified info?”

Shelby doesn’t respond until Toni looks back at her, and there’s a smirk on her face as she does so, “I might’ve told them to tell you that so you’d finally talk to me. Although, I didn’t tell them what to say.”

“And why would you do that?” Toni asks. She enjoys this banter with Shelby, the closeness of it all. It’s something unlike Toni has ever experienced before, and she’s still trying to figure out why Shelby would tell Jess and Jules to talk to her.

“Because Toni,” Shelby begins, “You wouldn’t be here talking to me if I hadn’t, and I wouldn’t be able to say this.” She takes a deep breath to collect herself and then starts speaking, “I’ve had a lot of time to think since the last time I saw you. Hell, since that night at your apartment after Becca had broken up with me. I’ve had so much fucking time to think, and I think I’ve finally figured it out.” There’s another pause as Shelby tries to find her words, and then she’s continuing on with her monologue, “I liked you in high school. A lot. But I was so far in the closet that after I finally caved and kissed you, I was scared. I buried those feelings, but then when graduation came around, I realized I could escape my parents, so I gave you my number, hoping you’d text and maybe something would come of it. And when you never texted, I assumed you didn’t want anything to do with me, so I forgot those feelings. I buried them, and then I met Becca and things felt right with her. I could be myself and she was respectful not to ask about my family, but then Fatin invited me out during junior year, and there you were. Seeing you again, it stirred up feelings I had buried, but I was with Becca, and I was happy, so I told myself it didn’t matter. Turns out, it did matter, because Becca finally told me she noticed I was different around you, even though you were careful to never make sure we were alone together, something I picked up on after a while. It’s part of why she broke up with me. She said she couldn’t hold me back from something she knew was stronger than what her and I had. So I knew this was probably my last chance at anything, otherwise who knows when we’d see each other again.”

Toni’s silent, taken aback by everything Shelby is throwing out at her. By this point the slow song has ended, but they’re still swaying back and forth while everyone else around them dances. Faintly, she can see their friends staring at them out of the corner of her eye, but she keeps her eyes focused on Shelby.

Shelby says one final thing, “It’s always been the wrong time for us. Each time neither of us was in the right place, but I think we finally are. I want to try at least.”

Toni just smiles back, “You sure?”

Shelby doesn’t answer, instead leaning in close to Toni, her eyes fluttering shut, and she kisses Toni. It lacks the desperation of the one from high school, but Toni knows that Shelby isn’t going to go running after this one. She also knows that she wants this more than anything she has ever wanted before. It had started out as a dumb high school crush, and now, roughly eight years later, it’s reality.

Pulling away, Shelby whispers, “I’m sure.”

Toni can’t help but to kiss Shelby again.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you all enjoyed! find me on twitter @razzspie


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